Written by Bunsen Burner
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Monday, 19 October 2009

image for The Postman Always Knocks Twice
"Wait until the orange chap goes past then we leap out and twat him!"

Dutch delivery company TNT is lobbying the Government to grant them the authority to put their own postmen on the streets. Initially this is just to deal with the Royal Mail industrial action planned for later this week, however, soon our nation's streets may become a battle ground for gangs of rival postmen. It could become elastic bands at ten paces as they fight to deliver our mail.

Already TNT has carried out trial runs in parts of Northern England. Are we to see the nation divided for the first time since the days of King Canute? Is there enough mail to justify two rival postmen walking up your garden path?

The prospect looms of uniformed thugs hanging around outside their rivals post box, telling little old ladies "You don't want to post that letter in there, luv. Pop over the road and use that nice orange box instead."

The Queen is said to be in a "distressed state" over the future of the Royal Mail and has urged the Government to come up with a solution. Meanwhile the Communication Workers' Union viewed the latest developments with suspicion. "If the Government allows TNT to do this then anybody could start up their own postal delivery service."

Indeed, why not start up your own postal delivery service and deliver all your own mail. Think of the savings you will make!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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