Written by Austin Turnip
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Shopping, Vegetables

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

image for Organic Grocer to Sell "Straight Sanctimony"

Boulder, CO - Organic grocer Whole Globe Foods has announced a new produce-free product called "Straight Sanctimony" to appeal to its customers who want to feel good about themselves, even though they don't like eating fresh vegetables or fruit.

"Straight Sanctimony is a revolutionary product," said Whole Globe's CEO Niles Lipscomb. "For only $3.50, a consumer can purchase a certificate congratulating himself for being an exceptional person entitled to unbridled feelings of goodness and self-worth."

Mr. Lipscomb went on to say that, "Our consumers have also been hit by the recession. It's hard for them to pay $6.95 for a pound of broccoli just to feel good about themselves, especially if they don't even like broccoli."
The Straight Sanctimony certificates are made of recycled paper.

Mr. Lipscomb noted that Whole Globe's associates are being trained on how to properly stock and maintain Straight Sanctimony. "Keeping it fresh is imperative. If sanctimony turns stale it becomes smug."

Make Austin Turnip's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 2?

3 23 8 4

Go to top