CHICAGO (AP) The spouse killing business is showing a profitable increase in the 2nd quarter. One anonymous hired wife killer told our reporter, "There are a lot of husbands out there that want to get rid of their wives. Usually it's all about sex, but there are a lot of guys that just don't like being asked to take out the garbage every day. The amazing thing is that so many husbands think that THEY can just go out and kill their wives themselves. They don't seem to understand that the police always look at the husband very closely whenever a wife is murdered. These husbands that murder their own wives are real stupid bozos!"
"And what about the poor wives? Don't you think that Laci Peterson, Nicole Simpson, and Lori Hacking would have preferred a nice professionally done job? Just look at all the needless suffering due to those amateur wife murderers!"
When you need your wife bumped off, just telephone us at (800) KILL WIFE Our rates are reasonable and we take VISA and MasterCard. If you call before the end of the month, we'll also take care of any unborn fetus---no extra charge! If you wait until the kid is born, you'll have to pay our "wife and kids rate" which is a lot higher because of the additional mess. Let a real pro handle your next project!"
Our Spoof reporter traveled around the country and spoke with several husbands who have been accused of murdering their wives.
OJ Simpson said, "I had NO IDEA the police would start looking at me right at the beginning. I thought for sure they would start looking for bands of murderous hippies traveling in vans. I just don't understand why the police thought that I would murder my own wife!" You know, I just never heard about those spouse killers for hire before I… uh… took care of Nicole. Lately I've seen those guys advertising on matchbook covers and men's rooms in gas stations. I wish I'd heard of them before I got into all this trouble. I could have just paid them a couple thousand bucks and I'd still be talking about football onTV."
Scott Peterson said, "Those police had no business checking me out the way they did! I mean, I'm the husband---I'm supposed to be in love with Amb.. I mean Laci. All I did was mix up several batches of concrete in my fishing boat---that's a normal thing most fishermen do. Yeah, I probably could have hired a good quality spouse killer company and paid them to handle all the details, but I'm just a do-it-yourself kind of guy. I figured I'd save a few bucks. I just didn't think things out…"
Mark Hacking said, "I've always been pretty good with a knife… and if ANYONE should be able to hack a wife up… well, you know that we Hacking men are pretty good at slicing and dicing. I just went completely insane when those police started asking ME all those questions. Why in the world would they think that I murdered Lori? I never thought in a million years they would suspect someone who made up a story about being accepted to medical school. I probably should have hired a professional spouse killer… maybe next time."