HERSHEY, PA - In a bold move today, The Hershey Company - well-known chocolateer - released a line of controversial candies in an effort to appeal to potential customers who feel the run-of-the-mill Hershey Bar is just a little too boring.
At today's press conference, Hershey executives unveiled such daring products as a chocolate crucifix. Jesus, nailed firmly to his milk-chocolate cross, is available in both plain and peanut. The press was treated to a prototype peanut-butter filled version of Jesus Christ On A Stick. One reporter was overheard complaining, "You got your Jesus in my peanut butter!" The Jesus Christ On A Stick should hit store shelves around Easter of 2005. For those non-Christians, Hershey offers an alternative chocolate crucified Easter Bunny On A Stick.
A white-chocolate Jessie Jackson and dark-chocolate David Duke are being test marketed in the Washington, D.C. area. Hershey Executives feel the irony of casting these individuals in an uncharacteristic confection should prove to be a feat of marketing genius. As a departure from the standard chocolate fare normally produced by the Hershey Company, the new product line will include Gummy Aborted Fetuses packaged in a strawberry glaze. Dan Cranston, Senior Vice President of Marketing, believes that "these will appeal to both Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers. The Pro-Choice fans will eat them up, while the Pro-Lifers will buy them by the case to throw at Pro-Choice demonstrators. Everybody wins!"
"Hershey feels," Cranston continued, "that the chocolate market hasn't seen anything revolutionary in years. We're just trying to shake things up a bit. Test marketing has shown us that 84% of teens and young adults are likely to purchase anything that is contrary to the values instilled in them by their parents. This is why you see kids wearing T-Shirts with rude slogans, etc.; they're just trying to buck the system. We feel our new product line falls right in step with their rebellious streak." If Hershey's gamble pays off, you'll see young people biting off Jesus' head within the next few weeks.
When asked if Hershey management is concerned about the potential backlash of introducing such controversial products, Cranston confided, "I don't care how upset people get, America will never give up their chocolate. Trust me."