The reeling UK Regulator today revealed the first in its big gun response to Tory criticism.
Sir Grenville Mann-Gland spokes-person for the Regulator, speaking from the organisation's glistening HQ in East London, said today: "We have been under fire recently for failing to handle emerging situations in the financial sector. To answer that criticism we paid, Onan, Felch & Gobble internationally reknowned advertising moguls a King's ransom to look at how we could polish a dog's egg. They came up with a distinctly 2009 spin on an old FSA favourite, and I can announce that as of September the Treating Customers Fairly initiative or "TCF" will become TYGTSE or "Teaching Your Granny to Suck Eggs".
Our staff will be rolling out across the country implementing TYGTSE as a matter of course from September of this year.
Mann-Gland praised the FSA's dedication to this new cause and stated that the project team of feckless graduates and boggle-eyed spreadsheet experts would be receiving massive bonuses under the FSA's new "MFOR" scheme. MFOR or Money for Old Rope replaces the former dual-incentive scheme of DIKYF (Didn't I Know Your Father?" and TOST (The Old School Tie). It was implemented to recognise the cutting edge regulation carried out by FSA staff and in particular the really colourful spreadsheets they spend most of their time producing.
The industry awaits September's roll out with bated breath.
The Tories were unavailable for comment today, but Alistair Darling did give us a statement, "Who, What, FS What I haven't got a bloody clue what's going on".