An unprecedented rise in the world retail total sales index (the WROOTSIE) has been the subject of detailed analysis by the World Money Bank (WMB).
The WMB has decided that the only consistent, significant international causative factor of the 38% year-on-year retail sales increase is global warming.
"Only global warming affects each and every region of the world equally and simultaneously" explains World Analysis (National) Kinesis Expert Reporter (WANKER) Professor Aloysius Trapeze-Groove.
"We have observed massive increases in the sales of wellington boots, skis, parkas, heating oil and umbrellas and in all countries and this correlates exactly with the crap weather we are all having".
When it was pointed out to the WANKER that some countries were experiencing drought conditions and wildfires, Professor Trapeze-Groove explained that minor anomalies could not be allowed to skew the results.