Written by Janaca
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Topics: Diet, contract

Thursday, 15 July 2004

image for Makin' Whoopie
Ahhh, the self fulfilling prophecy.

Whoopie Goldberg is a gas! Or at least she could have been. In a bizarre attempt to get her Slim-Fast contract renewed, Whoopie charged through the gate of the diet corporation in a 2005 Hummer H2, (which everyone later agreed was a fine piece of steel) and threatened to kill everyone inside.

Screaming on her megaphone, Whoopie demanded her job back. She sat on the well-manicured lawns while calling out to the corporation President: "Come down here with a new contract and I'll blow you up." Not liking Ms. Goldberg's turn of phrase the president refused to come down. To the dismay of the workers peering through the windows, Whoopie tore off her clothes. All of her clothes. All of them. She was allegedly wired with Slim-Fast cans - the juice drinks, not the shakes - attached to wires and a Wile E. Coyote Acme type of bomb trigger.

Whoopie stated she would give them one hour until "you all get blowed up". While the police and bomb squad were being called to the scene, Whoopie got bored and hungry and drank all of the Slim-Fast, leaving her very, very bloated and cranky.

"This isn't the end of me", she slurred as she was taken into police custody. "I'll be ba-uh oh, I'm gonna be sick...". Police later described the scene as extremely "barf-worthy".

Just yesterday Whoopie was released from her Slim-Fast contract - faster than a Robert Downey Jr. drug transfer - for her rude comments and obscene gestures at a fundraiser for soon to be official Democratic Presidental candidate John Kerry.

Although the actual off color comments are unknown they will be reported fairly inaccurately on Entertainment Tonight tonight. The full story will be reported in the Enquirer, Star, and Weekly World news - along with yet another picture of Julia Roberts and hairy armpits.

Many people are inferring that her remarks about George bush were the deciding factors in her fireage. Well known since yesterday, the Unilever corporation -which owns Slim-Fast- is a George Bush supporter. Slim-Fast Vice President of marketing, Terry Olson defends his choice of hiring and firing Whoopie: "We were really hard up for a spokeman at the time, Anna Nicole Smith, Delta Burke, and Kirstie Alley were busy. We realized that Whoopie really just looks like she's wearing bigger pants in the ad campaign, so we used this to fire her. She was good in Ghost though."

Whoopie is preparing to make a public apology after the Slim-Fast toxin screening test on Monday. She will be on a 20 minute delay.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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