Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Music, college

Thursday, 15 July 2004

image for Latest Study Shows Linkage between On-Hold Music and Headaches
Is it worth it?

Boston - Researchers at Boston College have found a significant link between severe headaches and the amount of time people spend on hold listening to preprogrammed music.

The study, to be released next week in the Massachusetts Health Monthly, points out that people who spend an average of just ten minutes on hold listening to various musical offerings not of their choosing experience migraine-like symptoms, nose bleeds, dizziness, and in some extreme cases diarrhea.

Head researcher and B.C. professor of biology Dr. Michael J. Baum indicated that it was semi-irrelevant what type of music was played, "We brought in a broad range of music typically played while people are on hold. In almost every instance, whether it be ‘Shimmering Electric' or ‘Exotic World Beat' we had a mess to clean up in the experiment room after the fact."

Dr. Baum explained that people tended to get so unnerved about the midpoint of the experiment (5 minutes) subjects began "tossing objects around the room" waiting for a service representative that will never come.

The study was performed over two weeks and utilized 315 subject from all backgrounds and age groups. In 77% of the cases, subjects reported not being able to "get that damn song out of my head." More disturbingly data from the question and answer portion of the study revealed that a high percentage of people reported being exposed to both "Acoustical Sunshine" and "Bold Business Inspiration" without consent.

One participant indicated on the exit portion of the study that he "had a similar experience when I called FedEx one time. They were tracking a package for me which took, like, forever. As a result I know their shipping policies front to back - set to ‘Urban Groove'. I threw up in my own mouth that day."

Responding to the criticism from the study and bracing for what will undoubtedly be a strong backlash Neveronholdagain.com President Pat Gross released this rebuttal:

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression. That is not only our company motto, but it is also my personal motto," reads the script from the 4-time divorcee Gross. "We've got testimonials on our site you can read for your own eyes or have someone at my company read for you for only one hundred twenty-five dollars."

With the American work force getting fatter and lazier Dr. Baum expects hold times to skyrocket. "We could be looking at an epidemic in the near future."

The study concludes by advising the general public to avoid all hold times over three minutes.

*Editor's Note: Dr. Baum has also authored studies looking at the potential connection with driving to work and aneurysms (Why God why do they give some people licenses), and a interesting look at the relationship between women with massive posteriors and chocolate (How you would look if you got up from the couch once in a while).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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