Barclays stunned the city and defied economic gloom today with increased profits of up to £3bn. Industry insiders are pinning the success on a revolutionary "payback" strategy.
The strategy is based on pioneering business theory that bank profitability is maximised by lending money to customers that can actually afford to pay it back. Kevin Brubaker, the Professor for Moneyology at the Institute for Studies has been credited with crafting the research.
In contrast to the stuffy "traditional" banking model whereby banks give money to feckless layabouts and junkies to piss up the wall on flat screen TVs, pokey flats in Clapham and holidays to Benidorm, Professor Brubaker has conclusively proved that giving money to those borrowers with jobs and business that provide regular cash flow and a proven record of repayment can boost repayments by up to 100%. "Put simply, the aim of banking should be to get back loans plus interest in order to make a profit" said Mr Brubaker at a recent conference, "I know it sounds radical but this crisis really means we need to re-evaluate the old order whereby banks made profits mainly from the taxpayer and look at banks actually funding bonus payouts through commercial activity"
The approach seems tentatively welcomed by the public. "He's totally right, I mean you should see what happens round my way" said Gary, 23 of Islington, "the banks literally just spray tax money around. Northern Rock actually used to have a big cement mixer type truck. It would come round on Wednesdays. The men would politely knock on doors and ask if the owner was employed or had any assets. If they said no, they would shove a big pipe down their throat and start piping money. At first they would retch and protest but after the first few gallons of money went down they'd eagerly start sucking like a small squealing piglet on a teat and begin thinking about perhaps getting a little buy-to-let place in the Dordogne."
The controversy over the new research continues as Barclays' competitors feel the pressure to compete. LLoyds have announced the key strategic acquisition of a large hole in the Scottish Highlands where they plan to invest large amounts of money in a heap. Insider sources have been tipping that one of the other major banks is about to announce a new "money-bazooka", based on military technology that can deliver a 125% mortgage directly to a benefits recipient at approximately 100 metres per second.