Pittsburgh, PA - The company directors of a multinational mining company based in Pittsburgh have fired their CEO for his choice of footwear. The company, PDQ Mining & Resources, issued a press release stating that the company's decision to fire 58 year-old Floyd Dittemeier had nothing to do with his past performance, which was expemplary. It had, however, everything to do with the fact that he had recently begun wearing shoes that were, to quote the board of directors "...really stupid looking".
Said one director, "...this new style of footwear makes our CEO look really dorky. Apparently this style is quite popular. However, it is not the policy of the board of directors of PDQ Mining & Resources to have our CEO jetting himself around the world looking like a dork. Consequently, we had no other choice than to have him dismissed as CEO. We understand that he had consulted with many top retailers and was told that this footwear was "...top of the line and marketed as a result of artistic decisions made by the most popular designers in Italy," however he may have neglected to reason that many of these so-called designers rose to their positions of authority as part of a clique of flaming homosexuals that frequent the bathhouses of Milan and Rome in Italy, and their design decisions may bear no resemblance to what conservative thinking people desire. He shall receive a severance package as per his contract and we see no reason why this should continue to litigation."
"We should have conducted our due diligence more thoroughly when hiring Mr. Dittemeier with regards to how easily he would be swayed when it came to changes in fashion. The responsibility is totally the onus of the board of directors to make sure that their new hires are aware of and reflect the corporate culture that they deem acceptable. To put it more bluntly, wearing clown shoes does not fit into that culture and it was something that could have been better communicated by the board of directors to the executives under their command. To complicate matters, our company PDQ, or Pretty Darn Quick, was starting to be known as 'Pretty Darn Queer' as a result of the CEO's shoe fashion decision."
"We apologize to our shareholders for this oversight and hope that we can correct this failure in oversight and move on. We also believe that this unfortunate episode will in no way tarnish the illustrious 138 year history of PDQ Mining & Resources."