(Washington, Rioters) - Former Enron Corp. Chairman and Chief Executive Kenneth Lay was today indicted for a total of 9 out of 11 counts of conspiracy to commit Freud, false and misleading statements, fraudulent transactional analyses, fleecing vulnerable clients and hiring the Taliban to terrorise US patience, according to a federal grand jury indictment.
Psychiatrists acting for Lay defended their client: "Ken simply made a mistake in assuming that Freud could be committed to a Texan mental asylum by bribing the world's politicians some $100 billion from Enron's coffers.
"Now some lunatic in the DA's office is saying that our patient is psychopathologically inclined to suborn US politicians to act as gunslinging pimps for the US oil industry. And that he's blackmailed the Bush administration into wiping the slate clean to erase a previous mental condition in his health records that shows him to be congenitally incapable of honesty, integrity and balance sheet accounting.
"As for the Taliban, they are a lovable ethnic minority who scrape a living from growing decorative floral specimens used in the preparation of alternative medicines, so essential to modern psychiatry today.
"Perhaps their only fault is a hopeless sense of direction and an occasional tendency to crash passenger airliners into public landmark buildings in Lower Manhattan in sites preferred by them for the building of opium poppy storage silos.
"We take umbrage at the DA's slurs on our patient's reputation. It is highly delusional for anyone to allege that Ken Lay actually hired this lovable Afghani tribe to carry out a spate of contract mass murders and acts of global terror in the name of religion, politics, the US energy industry or global heroin trafficking.
"Everything was just fine in the Enron company balance sheets until analysts noticed a global shrinking effect, which is a common occurrence when you take into account miscellaneous forward payments to unnamed individuals registered in offshore tax havens linked to bank accounts belonging to the Royal House of Saud.
"Ken never meant to shrink the company balance sheet and will defend all baseless charges vigorously."