Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Sex, Gay, Marriage

Friday, 19 June 2009

image for School Board struggles to find right Medium to teach First-Graders about Same-Sex Marriage
Can Mrs. Tyler' home economics hand puppets do the job?

Alameda, California - Originally, the Alameda school district in California planed to introduce the same-sex subject to their first graders with picture books, but when the proofs returned from the printer for their approval, they were so graphic in nature that the school district's attorney, Thomas Michelson, advised against using them as instructional aides, less they risk criminal charges for contributing to the moral corruption of a minor.

"So they opted to go with hand puppets donated by Mrs. Tyler' home economics class instead", said Mr. Helix, gym teacher and Sex Ed instructor. "They have a proven track record for success in my class."

Already used by Mr. Helix in his sex education class to warn sexually active pubescent teens against the inherent dangers and pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation masturbation, Just Say No To Drugs, Bilingual Education, Abstinence and the No Child Left Behind Act (campaigns left over from the pervious administrations), it was thought the hand puppets would work just as well with explaining the concept of same-sex marriage to first graders.

Only, during a live dramatization by Mr. Helix and his assistant Mr. Mathews using the hand puppets to tout the virtues of same-sex marriage before a closed-door secession of the school board, something went dreadfully wrong.

"Fortunately, it was a closed-door session and there was plenty of moist handy wipes and hand sanitizer to go around," said Mr. Michelson. "Unfortunately no body thought to bring any lubricant."

Despite Mrs. Tyler's assurances to the school board that she could let out the hand puppets a bit to provide a looser fitting, the school board once again at the behest of Mr. Michelson voted against their use as a same-sex marriage instructional aide.

However, the school board did vote to approve Mrs. Tyler's hand puppets to handout condoms to seventh grade girls during lunch and after school.

"Finally, we found an alternative," said a school board member. "We found some old footage of Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie when they came to our high school campus for a 'Tickle Me Elmo' literacy promotional tour."

School board members unanimously ordered the in-house high school media center to add a voiceover track, making it sound as if Bert and Ernie were a Gay couple on tour against California's Proposition 8.

"Making sure they lend their celebrity status support to the town's one man Gay Pride Parade participant as well. And the city council's 12 member parade planning commission, of course," said a school board member, who coincidentally holds a seat on the city's parade commission. "We have to maintain our business alliances, you know. After all, one hand washes the other, does it not?"

It is expected the video will go far in explaining the importance of granting same-sex married status of all Californians, despite their sexuality, sexual orientation or gender identity to first-graders.

"That way, one day when they grow up, perhaps they will be able to explain to us what all that means," said a school board member. "Until then, however, we are more than satisfied that this is putting us on the path to expand our bureaucracy by qualifying us more federal funding down the road."

The video and accompanying promotional posters will be ready for district wide distribution in first grade classes come Monday morning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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