Written by KRS
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Topics: Flying, Airlines

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

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Getting High

Reminiscent of the rising fuel costs and the seizing of the credit markets in 2008, coupled with the stock market plunge of early 2009, airlines have been faced with many difficult financial issues. The recession that began in early 2008 has clearly not reached its nadir, wreaking havoc on balance sheets.

Mr. Fuh Kue, newly appointed head for the international airline industry group, ASSOLE [Airline Safety & Statistical Organizations Leading Executives], speaking at the annual industry convention held on Eniwetok Atoll, told reporters, "ASSOLE members have to address these pressing economic conditions to remain viable. While the U.S. carriers may become eligible for a financial bailout that seems to be in vogue in the States, carriers based in smaller countries lack that kind of safety net."

Kue further elaborated on some of the objectives of the consortium; "We have a number of working groups developing industry wide strategies to enhance our fiscal position."

The Legally Ostensibly Obtainable Transactions [LOOT] group, studying alternative models for the payment of air fares, is seeking to address the problems with currency fluctuations and international accounting. So far, the group is leaning toward only accepting JP4, light sweet crude oil, healthy kidneys or serving as on board "comfort companions" to first class passengers as payment for airline tickets.

Using data from a focus group comprised of Punjabis and other Middle East residents, these mechanisms were rated very highly and quite acceptable.

Kue also outlined cost cutting alternatives being explored. "Taking a hint from the Medellin and Cali cartels, the industry plans to reduce the number of commercial planes by another 20% and there will be more cooperation between carriers to reduce redundancy of flights...part of our green strategy. It is just imprudent to have two airlines departing from the same city and destined to the same locale, each with only 50% of the seats filled. This is absurdly wasteful of fuel and an enormous contributor to global warming. Our objective is to become as environmental friendly as a flock of Canada Goose and with even lower emissions."

Led by the Secure Provisioning of Offensive Citizens (SPOOC) Group chief, the once believed deceased Uday Hussein, has developed an ingenious plan. American carriers, using planes taken out of service and parked in Southwestern states, are now in negotiation with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to serve as interrogation and incarceration facilities. Similar negotiations are also underway with the states of Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana to use parked planes as rehabilitation and penitentiary centers, with minimal expense to convert wide bodied planes into secure dormitories for murderers and rapists.

Having these planes in the desert southwest is rather like a terrestrial Devil's Island; prisoners escaping on foot could never survive multiple days in the either frigid cold or blazing hot region. Contract negotiations are reportedly on a first come - first serve basis, because there is not enough space in the entire desert landmass to house all the heinous criminals from all three of those states simultaneously.

Said Hussein, "Praise Allah, those infidels down there are swine and they breed like vermin. Just one week at AstroWorld and I learned how to deal with the opposition parties back in Baghdad. This plan is the ultimate in recycling while also reducing sky high fencing and security provisions."

Carriers are also planning to install special tanks on many planes, so they can also serve as aerial agricultural sprayers of fertilizers and pesticides during takeoff and landings.

Lead spokesman for the Revenue Appreciation Planning Executives {RAPE} Group and Chief Executive of carrier, Cunning Lingus, Henry F. Potter told the media, "Ryanair's policy of pay toilets on flights was a wake-up call to all industry executives. We were mindlessly letting dollars, punts, lire and yen swirl down the crapper...Well, we say, NEVERMORE!"

Going further Potter exclaimed, "Airlines have instituted strict criteria for carry-on luggage for decades; why not everything else carried on our planes - the passengers."

Starting July 1 2009, all carriers will limit a passenger's personal weight to 115 pounds for a standard fare ticket. Also, there will be a 50% surcharge for steatopygia (fat asses) and a 10% surcharge for passengers with "Hottentot Aprons."

When asked what the hell a Hottentot Apron was, Potter directed reporters to the Surgeon General's Office. Potter remarked that any passenger exceeding the 115 pound mark, would then be subjected to the dimensional exam, to certify their asses were not so large as to encroach on adjacent seated passengers or freely move down the airplane aisle without a "scrum" from the airline attendants.

Potter referred this new guideline as the "double wide" policy.

Entertainment industry consultant, Ms. Heidi Fleiss, is chairing the Passenger Understanding and Treatment Advisory (PUTA) group. The mission is to develop revenue streams from promoting the comfort and entertainment of passengers on a per nautical mile basis.

Ms. Fleiss is also working with two highly experienced people from outside the industry; former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer and President Bill Clinton.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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