Written by Charlie Van Horn
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Topics: Diet, New Jersey

Thursday, 1 July 2004

NEWTON, New Jersey -- NVE Pharmaceuticals 'Stacker3' diet plan has failed to meet approval by the FDA for sale in the United States.

Food and Drug Administration spokesperson Sharon Snider stated that in the report, 'NVE failed to ensure the safety of the users of the diet plan by not including proper instructions regarding use of the product"

Stocks of NVE reacted to the FDAs surprise ruling Thursday by opening sharply downward, then plummeting, followed by a nice, quickened free fall.

Robert Occhifinto, President of NVE, is planning an appeal of the ruling.

"Listen, Stacker3 is a fine product. You take it, you cut what you don't want off, and wham, you lost ten, twenty, thirty, heck, you can lose as many pounds as you can stand. And why stop there? Who needs to stand?"

Stacker3 consists of a 'Stacker Saw', four packages of 'Pain Numbing Gel', and a rubber strap tourniquet.

Users of the 'quick and easy' diet plan are upset at the ruling, but vow to keep using it until they run out of either numbing gel or extra body parts..

Critics of NVE's program say that forcing the overweight to remove legs and arms is cruel and only leads to more and more desperate measures to take off the excess pounds.

Julie Dabernathy, an employee of the Sweptanaue Department of Public Health, has warned many in the community about this program.

"Besides the obvious problems that go along with people removing limbs on their own, the blood loss and risk of infection and so on, I wonder how can you use the product fully? Unless you get some help, how do cut your last arm or leg off?"

"I'm glad I got mine when I did" said Trenton resident Hector Renendez, "I have been overweight my whole life, but with this plan, I finally found something that will take the pounds off and keep them off"

Renendez has lost sixteen pounds, and plans on losing another ten when he decides which arm he likes least.

"I still need my kickin' leg" he jokes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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