Bigot Chris Moyles, sixty stones of rancid pork fat squeezed in a 35 stone body and a face like Miss Piggy's gash - whose claim to fame is appearing as a bucket of ten day old pig grease in a filthy Mexican restaurant on 'Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares' is to market his dandruff as pork scratchings.
Moyles revealed the scheme to his slack-jawed obsequious team of dullards, who predictably cheered and asked for his immediate knighting and basting in meaty gravy. The man whose flabby porcine buttocks occupy three seats on a plane- passed around his 'scratching' scalp flakes for sampling. Then sounds of happy munching and crunching could be heard by fatty Moyles listeners in Rampton and Broadmoor respectively.
The scratchings will simply be called 'Chris Moyles Dandruff' and will feature a digitally improved photo of Chris Moyles on the front pointing to his hog scalp-hair with his right trotter.
An overpaid five year-old spokesman for Chris Moyles said "Chris at last is getting the recognition he deserves. At school he was teased for having ten nipples, a snout, trotters and even the teachers cruelly stated he was the boy most likely to be eaten in an Alpine plane crash. He has got his own back on the world by castigated people who do not have the platform to speak back, surrounding himself with minions and legal folk and being a ambassador for porcine gashes around the world.
Running his hog trotters through the plethora of piggy bristles and pubic hair on his chins, Chris Moyles demonstrated to our reporter how he could cultivate scratchings from his face also. The flakes of fist-sized scratchings fell like snow drops from the fat swine's boat-race as he brushed his bristles .
Chris' agent Old MacDonald told us " E makes us larff does Chris... he be thinkin of producin a tasty 'cracklin' from a dry patch of skin on his arm hock, but we needs to be seeing how the scratchins do first, Oh ar Oh ar, gets orf moi land!"
'Chris Moyles Dandruff' pork scratchings will be available from public houses up North and down SARFTH at the price of £3.99 per 400g. People who bulk buy the scratchings from Chris Moyles personal website will be offered a ten percent discount in addition to a free satchet of pork dripping from Chris Moyle's own 'Prairie Oysters'.