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Tuesday, 29 June 2004

image for BBC outlines it's Radical Plan
Lets Dance, Put on your red shoes and dance the Blues

The BBC has set out its "radical" vision for how it should operate in the 21st Century as part of its charter review process.

New Director General and Robin Cook Lookalike Mark Thompson and Chairman Michael Grade outlined a nine-point manifesto on Tuesday.

"I want a BBC that delivers wonderful programmes that offer something of value to everyone, and delivers Pizza and if the deal can be done KFC as well, to your door" said Mr Grade.

The BBC's Royal Charter, which sets out its aims, objectives and functions, expires at the end of 2006, at which point it will explode violently rendering the office of whoever is Director General at the time unusable and inexplicably smelling of Mushrooms.

"Our task over the next year is to convince the British public that the BBC's role in the new digital age of plenty is both justified and necessary," said the chairman.

The BBC has published the submission to the government, making the case for renewal of its charter.

The BBC manifesto included five key points relating to the future of the BBC:

  • Building a digital Britain in which Dinosaurs still roam the streets of Croydon

  • A new test of public value - A test of Courage where BBC executives clad in Chain mail fight digital dragons to save a partially clad Juliet Stevenson

  • Shifting investment from London to the rest of the UK until someone points out that London is the centre of the creative industry of Britain and Wantage is pretty grim in November

  • A modernised licence fee - by modernised they mean much more expensive and available in Euros

  • How the BBC regulates itself


In setting out the BBC's nine point manifesto, Mr Thompson danced like a epileptic spider monkey on amphetamines.

"We can help build an infrastructure, but digital Britain will only come to life if it also becomes a creative space in which the best ideas and the best talent can meets audiences who are hungry for originality and quality," he said to a baffled audience of Croatian Paramedics and Moldavian Scaffolders

Switch-over
He added: "Creating a fully digital Britain is a public challenge the BBC must help to lead as we are the only ones who could really do it because we have cornered the market in digital dinosaurs. It is a Britain from which the BBC, and only the BBC, can ensure no-one is excluded. except Stegasauruses because they are really difficult to get the colour right"

He suggested the country would be ready for a complete switch-over to digital by 2012.

The question of creativity and innovation in programme-making was also raised, with an emphasis on eliminating "derivative and cynical" shows and discovering the best new talent. To this end BBC1 would only now be on the air for 45 minutes a day.

"The essence of successful public service broadcasting is that it never patronises its audience, never offers them cynical, derivative, exploitative programming," said Mr Grade. "so we won't either, but obviously a lot of our audiences will miss Animal Hospital and Changing Rooms so we will be moving them to a subscription service on the Astra Satellite from Monday.

Mr Thompson also wanted the BBC's journalism to be at the forefront of global news and so he was launching a new show on BBC Three "Gilligan's Island" where an overweight and discredited hack is marooned for rest of his life and we watch whilst seagulls peck at his scalp.

'National debate'
"The BBC aims to support civic life and national debate by providing trusted and impartial news and information of the highest quality, to help everyone to make sense of the world and to engage with it. "Naked Parliament"is a new show for the autumn where parliamentary debates of the day will be re-enacted by scantily clad c list celebrities"

The manifesto also set out aims to have 50% of public service employees based outside the BBC over the next 10 years, investing £1bn outside London.

The plans include making Manchester the largest broadcast centre outside London as well as the car theft capital of the world.

The government is consulting the public before the current charter, which sets out the BBC's objectives and functions, expires in 2006. Unfortunately the public are too busy watching old episodes of Eastenders and Celebrity Chef Stabbing on UK Gold.

Break Up
Kelvin MacKenzie, former editor of the Sun and owner of the Wireless Group, told the Today programme that he believed the time was right to "dismantle" the BBC.

"They have got some great furniture and loads of plasma screens, I would be on Ebay like a shot" said Mackenzie from his fragrant cell in Sevenoaks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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