Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Sunday, 22 March 2009

image for Martha Stewart and Suze Orman team up to give some banking advice in these hard economic times
Where will you be stashing your booty?

New York, New York

After a brief commercial break, we find the cooperate homemaker and convicted felon, Martha Stewart, and the former waitress turned baby boomer financial wizard, Suze Orman, on location at Martha Stewart's ranch late at night, wearing illuminated coalminer hats, cautiously continuing with their banking advise to their audience back at the studio by close circuit remote feed.

With a shovel in her hands, Martha Stewart finishes up digging a hole, while Suze Orman is stuffing rolls of one hundred dollar bills into a row of coffee cans in on a workbench in the background.

"Okay, the hole looks deep enough," said Martha Stewart, as she turned to look over her shoulder the light from her hat shined on Orman's face, making her squint. "Are you ready with cans of cash yet, Suzie?!"

Suze Orman nodded yes, and signals Martha Stewart to lower her voice and dim her light.

"Okay," whispers Martha Stewart as she addresses the camera walking over to the workbench where Orman is standing. "Now some of you may remember those fake biological hazard symbol signs we made last week. The ones I said were for a surprise project? Well, here's the surprise."

Taking out a sheet of brightly colored yellow and black construction paper, Martha Stewart pastes it to the side of a coffee can and with a glue gun, altering its appearance so that it resembled a metal container of biological waste

"There," declares Martha Stewart, holding the finished can up to the camera. "You're investment is safe. Even if someone should discover your little dirty secret, they wouldn't dare open it."

"Oh my," said Suze Orman. "That is clever. And you know what? It's all tax deductible too. The whole kit and caboodle: the shovel, the coffee cans and especially the backyard where you dig the hole. It's just another reason why you shouldn't completely payoff your mortgage, even in these hard economic times. You're still going to need that tax right off. I know it goes against conventional wisdom. But hey, look around you. I'm standing here in the middle of the night next to a convicted felon that's holding a shovel, burying coffee cans stuffed with rolls of undeclared cash in her backyard, while wearing a coalminer's hat. These are unconventional times we are living in. So for goodness sake, get a grip and grow a pair. I know I have."

"Well, that will do it for today's show," said Martha Stewart. "Tune in again tomorrow when in my arts and crafts segment we'll be making a treasure map to all that booty you now have buried in your backyard that would make Blue Beard's beard turn green with envy. And then, we'll be making coffin sized 'Davy Jones's Footlockers' out of used popsicle sticks. Remember, dead men, or women, tell no tales. Right Suzie?"

"Umm, huh," muttered a nervous Suze Orman as the light on her coalminer's hat suddenly went out, immediately followed by thud in the dark.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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