Chicago, Il. - Supermarket giant Wally-mart today announced that it would take over a vacant storefront and open a neighborhood hardware store. The storefront, a former dod & wow video store, had been vacant for ten years after a Wally-mart opened on the edge of town and drove it out of business.
A spokesman described the new endeavor: "It will be five thousand square feet with bins and racks from floor to ceiling which will be filled with nuts and bolts, and the odds and ends that you just can't find at the big box stores. The five or six employees will all be related to each other in some way and will know each customer by looks if not by name. They will greet you when you walk through the door and be helpful without being intrusive.", adding that "we're very excited about this new concept in retailing.".
The announcement was met with open hostility by neighboring big box retailers like Home Depot and Target, both of which have announced plans to take their fight to city hall in order to stop the up-start. "This has the potential to ruin our impersonal and bottom-line driven businesses.", protested Target spokesperson Rita Mae, "If we can't get satisfaction from the city council we are definitely headed for court.".
Editors note: Adam Click's wife, Madge, works a double shift for Wally-mart as a stock person. She is quite ill-tempered.