"Mission accomplished! The recession is over," Gordon Brown announced at a packed Downing Street briefing today.
"No more searching for green shoots, the UK's economic oak has strong deep roots thrusting hard into the land that will hold the nation for a thousand years.
"Banks are lending, firms are employing, people are shopping, but only after sensibly saving for their plasma screens.
"The UK is producing goods and the world is buying."
The statement was met with applause from reporters representing the world's media.
George O'Finite from the Independent quizzed: "Thank you. How great are you? How can Britain ever lay down prostrate enough to deliver their true thanks?"
Brown reposted: "By working for the greater good with honesty, love and sincerity."
Ginx McSlender, from the New York Journal Post, asked: "Mr Prime Minister, thank you from the world. How soon do you think Barack Obama will be able to follow your model?"
Mr Brown replied: "I've had long discussions with President Obama and I'm sorry he does not have the moral rectitude or infrastructure to lead your nation out of its depression.
"I am always ready offer financial and moral support to the US to guide them through their problems."
China, Germany and Japan have both taken up the Brown Plan wholesale, while France is opting for a watered down version, which economists predict is doomed to fail.
When asked about the details of the plan and evidence of success, Brown hit out at doubters.
"If you doubt the strength of the British recovery, you doubt the strength of Britain and you doubt Britain and me.
"Talking down the economy is talking down every hard working Briton with their British job.
"The self-appointed judges of the media have the choice: support Britain or become French."
The prime minister also hit out at rising unemployment numbers.
"Modern accounting is an invention of Islam," he said.
"Anti-terror laws will deal with the real and present danger fundamentalist statisticians present to the nation."
Ministry of Justice approval figures show Brown is the most admired and sexually attractive prime minister since Ramsey McDonald.