Chancellor Alastair Darling has announced that the government is limiting bonuses to branch managers of the Royal Bank of Scotland to £350 million each. And that bonuses would no longer be paid in backhanders and foreign holidays with Swiss financiers, but be paid in fronthanders and foreign holidays in Hawaii.
Addressing concerns that the RBS had 'milked its customers, banking partners and the British and American governments for billions of pounds, in the world's biggest criminal fraud', Mr Darling said: 'Well, at least they paid their tea ladies a few squid. And paid me to say all this.'
'The fact that I'm a Scottish MP in Edinburgh and that the RBS is based in Edinburgh is entirely coincidental', he claimed, 'and there's three fat pig RBS bank managers flying past the window on their way to the nearest Job Centre, after admitting incompetency and downright theft. I mean on their way to a 5-course dinner, all at the taxpayers' expense.'
The Chancellor explained that the bonuses woud not be paid for failure, but in fact would be paid for succeeding in what City analysts Price Fixinghouse termed 'stealing billions of bish-bosh from millions of mugs across the world, and still getting away with it, and getting Mr Darling to waffle platitudes that even American voters wouldn't believe in about it'.
When questioned by Opposition MPs about the bonuses, and why branch managers weren't allowed £2.5 billion each annually, as has been traditional in recent years, he answered 'Socialism? Fraud? Theft? Look, action, cuts, waffle waffle blah blah, fundamental reforms, tax-payers' concerns, blah blah, am I finished yet?'
'No, OK. Concerns, governmental responsibilities, waffle waffle, subject to principles, tum tee tum, what a load of pish, blaherty blah blah blah, below inflation bonuses for my Scottish friends, mine's a holiday in the Bahamas thank you, waffle waffle, blah blah blah, when is Neighbours on.'
Three wise monkeys were today appointed as Labour Cabinet ministers, after first having their spines removed.