London, England - In conjunction with an international consortium consisting of a Saudi Arabian Prince and a Nigerian open-air storefront market, The Spoof.Com has made welcomed addition to its popular "Spoof Calling Card" family with its new "Spoof Credit Card*". With it, you can help keep your credit score artificially up, while the new draconian credit rating formula is trying to bring it down. Buying you not only life's little essentials, but also the badly needed time to barrow from Peter to pay Paul.
"TheSpoof.Com felt that due to recent changes in how your credit score is calculated and overall lack of privacy, your credit score would now be tabulated with information it collected from stores and establishments you frequent or services you purchase," said a spokesman for the new credit card. "And we felt that is down right unfair and underhanded. So why not fight fire with fire and deal back the rotten hand you were dealt with right back at them."
The 'Spoof Credit Card' works on a similar premise of its calling card, hiding your identity when you make a drunken prank phone call to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, helping you elude criminal prosecution, or at least delay service of the court ordered restraining order.
"Now, you can hide your financial identity every time you make a transaction using your 'Spoof Credit Card' instead of Visa, MasterCard or Discovery Card,' said a spokesman for the Spoof Credit Card.
"You see, every time you make financial transaction your leaving a data trail of information, not only about likes and dislikes in the items or services you purchase with your credit or debit card, but your financial solvency as well," said Charles Smith, professor of economics at the Cassandra Institute of Economic Forecasting. "The Spoof Credit Card' helps you mask your financial transactions from credit reporting agency. Just like that guy's identity in The 'Spoof Calling Card' ad wearing that gasmask."
"Now I don't have to think twice about hurting my credit rating when paying for the necessities of life," said Mary-Beth McGregor, a new Spoof Credit Card holder. "I just pull it out anywhere major credit cards are accepted. Like at the grocery store to buy Little Johnny a pint of milk, the tax collector's office to payoff the lien before the sheriff's sale on grandma's property is final, or even that emergency room visit for the delivery of the octuplets that I thought was a bad burrito I ate nine months ago at a roadside taco stand across the street from the fertility clinic. You know, the one with the revolving doors."
"It's our philosophy here at Spoof Credit Card Company that no one should have to worry about the purchases that one makes to get by in life showing up on your credit report, lowering your credit score," said spokesman for the new credit card. "Just because the economy has been sent into a tailspin due to the collapse of the sub-prime mortgage market, the Gramn-Leach-Bliley Act or the changing of the Net Capital Rule, which flooded the global economy with worthless derivatives. That's no reason why you should have to pay for their mistakes when you can hide from them in plain sight, just like the big boys."
As it stands now, however, only Spoof Writers are eligible for the 'Spoof Credit Card', which is backed by the full faith and credit derived from the points they have earned and accumulated from their writings, that in turn is safely stored, kept under armed guard in a bank vault located somewhere in Dubai
"Our motto here at the Spoof Credit Card Company is simply this: 'You may not be too big to fail. But with us, you're never too small either," said a spokesman for the Spoof Credit Card. "As we see it, why should any individual have to take financial responsibility for his or her actions in this the golden age of semi-nationalized banking? Why not partake in your fair share of privatizing the profits while socializing the losses by simply avoiding your credit card bill when it comes due?"
"So wakeup America, there is no more need to make up excuses of having to use the rest room, fumbling for your wallet, humiliating yourself as you pad yourself down, lying to everybody around when you say you must have left it at home every time the check comes due, while dinning out with friends at your favorite restaurant," said Professor Smith. "Simply reach for the 'Spoof Credit Card' next time you are out on the town painting red while you're in the red without a penny in your pocket to spend. After all, we are all now just a paycheck away from an asphalt bed and a concrete pillow. Do your patriotic duty to simulate the economy. Don't think about tomorrow by putting things on lay-away. Not when you can slide a little piece of plastic their way and get away scot-free with what you want today."
*Apply now for your very own 'Spoof Credit Card' while supplies last, offer not available in continental United Sates or anywhere else. Avoid direct contact with the skin, as the chemical composition of the Spoof Credit Card is known to cause birth defects in pregnant women and make fertile men sterile. Some complications include: extended periods of unemployment, deflation, repossession of material goods and homelessness. Often accompanied by irritable bowel syndrome, public drunkenness, carpel tunnel syndrome (not due typing but excessive masturbation), self-delusions of grandeur that you are still a member of one of the richest nations on earth and a sycophant obsession with comedy writing, the latter of which may help to preserve your sanity in these troubling times.