Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Monday, 9 February 2009

image for U.S. bank bailout to rely on Monopoly money, armed guards, assault weapons
Play or Die, punk.

Wall Street produced the global financial and economic crisis but it may take a beloved 75-year-old game to solve it.

The Obama administration is preparing a revised bailout plan for the banking system, calling on Wall Street bankers and 'Fat Cats' to "choose their tokens" and demonstrate their financial fitness for international finance and acquisition or face the consequences - in other words, initiating what may become the world's longest game of that Fratboy favorite - Monopoly: The Death Zone.

Administration officials said the outcome of The Game was likely to depend in part on the willingness of banks, private investors and all those running hedge funds, private equity funds, insurance companies and numbers rackets to choose their tokens and play fair without fighting, cheating, buying contaminating assets, launching Ponzi schemes or sneaking money from the bank.

Willingness to play fair is expected to increase when veteran Guantanamo guards arrive to trade in their pink slips for newly secure jobs maintaining discipline among the Players.

President Obama has claimed "dibs" on the Top Hat token.

The officials say they are counting on the simple will to live to perk up speed but realize that the profit motive, essential to both Monopoly and international finance, will also be at work.

Administration officials suggest that this Monopoly game may never actually end.

The government would guarantee to increase the usual $1500 startup per player to an evenly divided $800 billion, officials say, as a way to overcome any reluctance to play Monopoly under S.W.A.T. team supervision.

No banker, CEO, securities salesman, insurer or other snake-oil salesman will be exempt from The Game: all will come 'under the gun' of the new administration's choreographed and closely monitored bailout process.

Players demonstrating unsportsmanlike behavior would be shot, tortured live on YouTube or, if the offense is particularly egregious, taken up 20,000 feet in Air Force One and "ritually deplaned".

FOX Television is already looking into the possibility of spin-off reality shows shot with Sony's new motion-controlled Death Cam.

As White House Press Secretary Robert L. Gibbs cheerfully told reporters:

"In this wintry economic climate, golden parachutes are a privilege, not a right."

All Players will play under armed guard until - or if - The Game ends. High attrition is expected, but considered acceptable. Insiders suggest Obama hopes to use that old family favorite - Monopoly - to pare away as much as 40% of the high-echelon grifters infesting our wacky world of finance.

Only then, experts say, can the economy get moving again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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