Written by Steddyeddy
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Monday, 2 February 2009

image for Woolworths develops special new software to service internet customers
The scattering of the remains of a dead Woolworths shopping trolley failed miserably

Now that the Woolworths and Ladybird names have been rescued from obscurity and are about to become an internet business (much to the disgust of late-night revelers who now find that a Home Computer is a rather less convenient place to relieve themselves of 10 pints and a vindaloo than a Woolworths doorway), the company has brought in the services of a computer specialist to add some unique Woolworths-style additions to their customers' on-line shopping experience.

When customers have made their purchases and proceed to the electronic check-out, they will immediately experience a unique delay before being able to make their payment, where a choice of two videos of Tracey and Stacey, the virtual checkout assistants, opens up.

In the first video, the two virtual girls discuss their previous night's disco, the boys they picked up, the number of drinks they binged on and the whereabouts of the location for the casual sex they enjoyed on the way home.

Pressing the onscreen "interrupt conversation" button by the customer excitingly allows either Tracey or Stacey to turn round and announce "Can't you see I'm talking, I'll be with you in a minute".

The second video sees Tracey or Stacey texting on her mobile phone as you wait to check-out your purchases. Again, pressing the "interrupt" button and Stacey or Tracey will turn around and say "Can't you see I'm sending an important message to Wayne?"

A spokes-suit from the new owners of Woolworths and Ladybird, Strange Twins Venture Capital Inc, said: "This opens up an entire new customer service portal for the discerning purveyor of online goods, presenting a bespoke and intimate interaction at the point of purchase that will undoubtedly be the envy of the on-line shopping fraternity".

An interpreter for the spokes-suit said: "Try Argos."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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