Amid the disasterous sales shortfalls of the holiday season, came a shocking report from a small startup in Tucson AZ. Raine Blay Industries, maker of your standard sex toys like the RU Board Muff Motor, Stiffy the Magic Eel and the Jrnombligo Championship Muff diving mask and Flippers, advertised the Masturbatory Oils of the World in an oil of the month gift package.
The ad read: "In these hard economic times , get even harder with the sensual lubrication of our masturbatory oils of the world. Every month we will send you one of our rare and high quality oils from a different far reaching section of the globe. In January you can jack off as if you were in Jakarta. February you can finish off with Finnish fish oil. March on to a climax with Roman ides of March pine oil, April will no longer be the cruelest month with some Argentine oil de manteca de vaca.
"Continue your world self touching tour with May mayhem from Madagascar, June Joy Juice from Juneau will help you come all over your Sarah Palin campaign poster. July 's jiggling of that thang can only be enhanced by our DJubuti Jizz Fizz, Have an august erection in the eighth month with our Eritrean earthquake oil and sizzle into September with Sicilan olive oil.
October will bring oooze and Oz as you slip and slide with some Oshkosh Ohmygosh!and the eleventh moon will make you croon aboard the November Nicaraguan banana oil express. And while chestnuts roast on your open fire and jack's frost nips at your nose, December's oil from Dallas will help you end the year with a geyser of black gold, Texas T , oil's that jizz."
Early economic reports suggest that in fact throughout the hard times of 2009 there will be many a penis staying hard in this cold cruel world with the amazing lubricating help of the oils of the world masturbatory sex aids.
The Raine Blay Industries warns the womens not to let that oil into der Vajayjays. Water based lubricants from every luscious continent will be available in time for you laid-eeze to take it comfortably in the keaster by Easter!