Written by secretwhistle
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Topics: Government, Cars

Sunday, 4 January 2009

image for GMC looks to metric system to boost SUV sales

Faced with slumping SUV sales and new EPA fuel efficiency requirements, GMC has recertified many of their SUVs with an all-new KMPG rating. A spokesman said the increased efficiency shown in these new ratings will speak for itself.

"With the gaudy efficiency numbers available through our new conversion rates, the American consumer will see that they can scarcely afford to ignore our languishing SUV lines."

In addition, spokesmen also referred to a "new era of cooperation" between the Big Three and the U.S. Government. "This will help bring us one step closer to total metric conversion as put forth in 1977 by our most forward-looking of presidents, Jimmy Carter."

GMC also wishes to point out the total savings to the consumer when comparing the US MSRP as compared to its nearest metric equivalent, the British Pound.

"As can clearly be seen by these comparisons, the difference in number of units works out to a great advantage for the American car buyer. We wish to be in full compliance with the new metric system, but we will need time to implement this fully." GMC is referring to this new compliance plan as the "slow boil."

Included below are some examples of the new efficiency ratings and MSRP comparisons:

2008 Buick Enclave
MSRP £55,247/$38,190 (savings of 17,057 units!)
City: 26 kmpg
Hwy: 35 kmpg

2008 Dodge Nitro
MSRP £42,227/$29,190 (savings of 13,037 units)
City: 24 kmpg
Hwy: 32 kmpg

2008 Cadillac Escalade
MSRP £89,533/$61,890 (savings of 27,643 units)
City: 19 kmpg
Hwy: 29 kmpg

GMC is working on a conversion chart to be made available to dealers and potential car buyers which will include useful information including drams-to-hogsheads conversion and bulk rates for gasoline purchased by the Nebuchadnezzar, Solomon or Primat.

GMC also announced a new line of SUVs to debut in 2012. The GMC Metrix will be a 32-foot long, 2 passenger AWD vehicle featuring a new 8200-lb. towing package and independent suspension. These features, combined with exchange rate savings and improved efficiency measurements will make this the SUV of choice for all destinations including the local vegan co-op, Earth Day parade entry, or the occasional fundraising roadtrip to our nation's capital.

A GMC spokesman said the new Metrix will be situated perfectly to reach their key demographic: "affluent, childless assholes."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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