Written by secretwhistle
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Topics: Cars, Advertising, Safety

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Swedish car manufacturer Vulva is placing an edgy series of ads in top magazines around the world to tout their legendary safety record. Ad team spokesman says he realizes the ads may be controversial, but that, much like with the 2-4 year age group, any attention is good attention:

"If we're looking to stand out as a car company that has cornered one facet of the market, the copy has got to be striking. Faced with crumbling economies and a worldwide slump in spending, Vulva needs to remind people that their vehicles are still the market leader in safety."

Ad copy reads:

"Vulva. Safe as fuck."

"If your life and the lives of your loved ones are truly our greatest riches, then placing your family into the new Vulva is the equivalent of stashing your actual riches in the rectal cavity of a rabid pit bull. And if an offset headon collision is the equivalent of attempted theft, you can be sure that other party involved will be significantly damaged. Either way, you'll be able to metaphorically walk away and say, "Yeah, you should see the other guy."

Vulva is no stranger to controversy, having weathered earlier attacks stemming from leaked information relating to animal testing. The leaked documents alleged that crash tests vehicles were being stuffed with rabbits before being launched head on into walls, other vehicles and over cliffs.

PETA first raised the alarm several months ago and began holding protests outside Vulva testing facilities and a call to boycott Swedish meatballs and IKEA furniture. They also released a statement asking that the testing stop until it could be done humanely, preferably using actual live humans. PETA provided a list of paintbombed C-list celebrities to use as replacement dummies, including known Thetan Tom Cruise.

Vulva's safety team fired back with a press release of their own:

"The statements issued by PETA and other animal rights groups are false and based on bad information. Contrary to the claim that rabbits were "packed in," they, in fact, had plenty of room to move about the cabin and passenger areas due to the ample legroom and headspace. In fact, they had nearly 3 cu.ft. more space than our nearest competitor's sedan.

The claims that a majority of rabbits involved were damaged during the tests is also false. While a lot of the subjects were subjected to trauma due to the force involved, this has no reflection to our safety record in relation to actual human beings.

Unless your family consists of septuplet infants and/or it resembles a clown car full of midgets when you disembark, the results based on rabbit-testing would have no practical bearing on your family's safety. If your family does resemble this, perhaps an airport shuttle van, small bus or converted limousine would be a more practical choice.

The most practical decision would be to turn your freakishly huge family into shut-ins and thus avoid embarrassment for yourself and others due to the logistical nightmare that is your offspring. Most people would be appreciative of yet another ho-hum day at the mall without having to feel amazement or pity at the sight of your own personal Village of the Damned brood, not to mention the head strain of extrapolating the percentages involved in a successful septuplet delivery."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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