Written by chris whewell
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Tuesday, 30 December 2008

In a dramatic eleventh-hour, last-ditch final attempt to stimulate the world economy before being cast into the dustbin of history, George W Bush and Gordon Brown have put their considerable weight behind the latest Fijian proposal to get the world's financial institutions to play ball.

From midnight tonight (GMT), teams of highly-trained South Pacific Islander installation technicians will disperse across the planet and begin the arduous task of replacing the various doorbells, buzzers and entryphone systems to every bank, building society, loan company and finance house with an electronic clitoris.

The new equipment will be clearly signed, with full instructions on how to find it, and how it should be operated to provide the best form of stimulation to the bank concerned.

A spokesman from Fijian Microelectronics Corporation, producers of the new-fangled machinery said: "Rhythmic finger-pressing, a fast, light backwards and forwards motion and nuzzling with one's nose are all acceptable methods, but we would ask that flicking, and any heavy-handed treatment be avoided, as this will probably lead to a negative response."

The Fiji Microelectronics Corporation will simultaneously launch a multinational TV advertising infomercial, reviving the 1970's Anita Ward hit, "Ring My Bell".

The world economy is currently sliding into the Financial Black Hole created by the Large Hadron Collider.

A second Large Hadron Collider has been built in Fiji, (so that items in the first Financial Black Hole may pass through,) but as yet, the only items to be found have been a toolkit (with NASA stamped on the belt,) and a monogrammed briefcase with B. Madoff on the face (which turned out to contain nothing more than a non-kosher cheese and bacon sandwich, a strawberry yoghurt and a fun-size Twix)

Fijian government sources have strenuously denied finding any cash as yet, despite allegations made by the Christmas Islands.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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