Written by Ben Macnair
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Saturday, 20 December 2008

image for Credit Crunch has devastating effect on Christmas Song
Woke up this morning, and I ain't seen my eleven drumming buddies in so long

A famed Christmas song has become the latest high profile victim of the Credit Crunch, says a well known Panto dame. Widow Twanky, a famed dame of some years standing said: 'It is all very well people being concerned about people working at M.F.I or Woolworths, but there are other victims of this recession'

Twanky, who spends the other 11 months of year looking forward to Panto season carried on: 'I know at least 10 Drummer's drumming, that are playing a different song. The seven geese are no longer laying, as they are being streamlined, the Lords are not leaping in the way that they used to. We had to sell the five golden rings to pay the eight maids a-milking, but with Cattle feed going up, we won't have as many cows, and less of a need to milk them'

A drummer and 3 of the 11 pipers were outside busking, trying to earn more money for Christmas. The Seven swans were swimming, until they were killed, and cooked to feed the 50 people who were losing their jobs, whilst the Pear Tree, was chopped down and burnt for fire wood.

A Mr Bob Crachitt, a man with a long comforting scarf and a fine sense of rhythm told us: 'Yes, it is true, we all have to find alternative employment now. I will miss my drumming and the 11 other lads, but really there is not much call for 12 drummers to be playing at the same time these days. People just sit on trains with their Ipods, in their own little worlds. There is no room for live music anymore. It is sad, but a sign of the times. Luckily, I have a new job, working for Mr Scrooge next week. It is just as well really, my Tiny Tim needs some new crutches. He could use my Drumsticks, but they would be a little bit on the small side for him'

The fifty workers have prepared a sumptuous feast for themselves, which consists of Six Geese and eggs, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and a partridge, with copious amounts of pears and milk. The five golden rings were exchanged for 15 kegs of beer, and a party pack of party poppers, as well as a value pack of tinsel from Woolworths, who were doing a roaring trade in spite of people complaining about how little they got off the full price.

The full tally of workers losing their jobs is: Twelve Drummers, Eleven Pipers, Ten Lords, Nine Ladies Dancing, and Eight Maids a Milking. It is understood that Arlene Philips has already lined up the nine dancing ladies for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing, whilst the Pipers will be used on the next series of Pop Idol.

It is understand that the bosses of Christmas Songs Incorporated, which include the 12 days of Christmas will be having sizable bonuses.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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