Washington DC-- Congress awarded the Mafia a much-needed emergency cash bailout for $300 billion today. The unusual early moring session was held at 2AM behind closed doors. The measure was passed in the House, 435-0. The bill was folded into a paper airplane and literally sailed onto the Senate floor at 2:05AM. The vote there was 100-0. In a most unusual precedence, a bleary eyed President Bush visited the Capitol at 2:10AM and signed the bill into law.
Sonny Bologna is a senior executive of the Mafia's East Coast branch and was eager to discuss the bailout and his company's precarious financial situation.
"I really have to compliment the Feds for the money; they have great customer service!" he smirked. "I just made a few phone calls around midnight and the money was in the bank three hours later. You wouldn't believe the stuff we have on those goombahs." he bragged.
Sonny combed his greasy pompadour back across his head and became more serious regarding the economy. He puffed on a Cuban cigar and made dollar signs with the smoke.
"Everyone is hurting. Even us." he said. "We had a two-for-one sale on contract murders and even that didn't help! We made our prostitutes give the first five minutes with the johns as a freebie. That made things go 'up', if ya know what I mean jellybean." he smirked again.
Mr. Bologna believes things will turn around in January, after the Democrats take over. He toked on the cigar again and blew some more dollar signs.
"We are gonna get a lot more dough in January. We have so much shit on Obama and his crowd! I'm gonna be so rich, even my shit will turn green." he laughed.