Canary Warp - (Sorry Ass Mess): City darling and financial wonder woman Nicola Whorelicks told a press conference today she is gutted at losing $500 million to an innovative Off-the-Wall St Ponzi scheme run by George Bush's personal hedge fund manager Bernard Mad-as-a-Hatter Madoff.
"Like many UK bankers I had a little put by stashed under the mattress," Whorelicks said.
"But when I checked on my precious hard-earned nest egg last Friday it was all gone!"
Madoff, 69, has been arrested in New York after being outed in a classic pyramid scheme selling fake Egyptian reliquaries to wannabe investors.
His Valley of the Blings hedge fund now owes $50 billion.
For some years Bernard Madoff has been suspected as being the UK front man for the notorious 'bootylicious' turkey farming business of Bernard Matthews PLC.
The company recently reported its profits had all been gobbled up after an outbreak of avian flu.
"So if all your Brits have for your Xmas dinner is a handful of dodgy Brussels sprouts you'll know who to blame, right?" was the company's only comment