There was more bad news in the finance market today, as government figures revealed that Unemployment, already at a record-high, would reach 100% by 5 pm this evening.
It's been a terrible time this winter, what with the Financial Crisis, Economic Downturn, Credit Crunch, Banking Crisis, Housing Crisis, Crisis Crisis and now the Unemployment Crisis all taking their toll, but now millions more workers are set to join the ranks of Britain's biggest growth industry - UNEMPLOYMENT.
New figures show that everyone in England will be jobless and worthless by 5 o'clock tonight, and prospects of a quick recovery are remote.
Worse still, is that prices are set to go through the roof, and, with cash reserves being used up by those in power, looting will become widespread as stocks of food start to run low.
Water supplies will run out, and gas and electricity will be cut. Essential medicines won't reach those that need them, and disease will ravage the population, leaving only pockets of resistance to nationwide infection, pestilence and, ultimately, plague.
Some people will, of course, survive the worst, and will struggle on to preserve what is left of the human race.
Those that do should report to their nearest Jobcentre Plus office at 9am on Tuesday mornings, and go to the First Floor signing station (Box 4) where they will be seen as soon as someone alive reports for work.