Washington, D.C. - Faced with the reality that the US economy has been driven by extending a never-ending line of credit, until now, instead of raising the standard of living of the average American, banks have rolled out the latest product line of financial instruments. Another patch job intended to keep a sinking ship afloat just long enough to give a fellow rat time to jump ship and liquidate their investment portfolio allowing them to pursue some other more lucrative investment opportunity, preferably offshore, at your expense.
"We are confident that today's 'troubled homeowner' - and I'm using both those terms euphemistically now -- is so desperate to keep a roof over his or her family's heads that they will go for a loan extension well beyond the tradition 30 year mortgage," said Andrew Payne, Investment Banker (Buccaneer). "The mark - I mean the 'borrower' -- will have to agree to our 're-negotiated' loan terms of extending their current 30 mortgage to a 60, 90 and - if you can believe it -- even a 120-year mortgage. Of course, it's all a ploy to 'buy' time until we can pressure the U.S. Treasury to takeover our toxic assets. No. Wait. That already happened."
Although it is not expected that the borrower will ever be able to payoff the extended mortgage in his or her lifetime (using the 60-year plan) or even that of their children (using the 90-year plan), it is expected, however, that their grandchildren (using the 120-year plan) will.
"But that's only if you're a cynic," said Mr. Payne. "I tend to see the glass as half full. Besides you never know, you could get lucky and win the State lottery allowing you to payoff your mortgage before you die, or maybe before your children die. Most certainly before your grandchildren die, I'm sure."
According to Mr. Payne, Americans will embrace his new financial product line of extended mortgages because it is no different than what the government is already doing now in giving away 700 billion dollars to bailout Wall Street, borrowing a trillion dollars from the Chinese and Arabs or printing so much money that is causing a shortage in the ink market.
Mr. Payne argues that his way future generations will at least have something to show for their parent's fiscal irresponsibility, unlike what they have gotten for the Wall Street bailout.
"Very soon Americans will pass on their mortgages to their children just like their family values," said Mr. Payne. "Carrying on their parents debt like they carry on their coveted family traditions. Rich traditions too like grandma's recipes for brownies, grandpa's fabled double chin or antidotal tales that regale the family during the holidays. Lovingly imparted and passed down generation after generation, while all are gathered around the warmth of a fireplace. Stories like the one about the time grandpa drank so much eggnog he really screwed the pooch and let the economy tank on his watch."