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Thursday, 27 November 2008

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Teenage angst found to be cause of world financial crisis

Wall-E Street, New York - As the world teeters on the edge of a financial abyss, it has been revealed that the current global economic meltdown has been caused by a single British teenager. The 19 year old film student from Kilburn, London created the chaos after being dared to do so by fellow users on a popular internet social network site.

Known variously as Mr Bubbles and Billzy on the prank and dare website, the teenager has previously earned top bragging rights for foaming Trafalgar Square's famous fountain and attempting the same stunt with Yellowstone Park's Old Faithful geyser.

Billzy has fully admitted perpetrating the world financial crisis stunt on the social network website. In his blog, he stated "Me and my mates were so high from foaming the Trafalgar Square fountain that we dashed down the Strand to the London School of Economics afterwards to foam up all their toilets. Some professor dudes came into the WC so I hid in a stall and overheard them talking about the bubble economy."

"Then it hit me; I'm freakin' Mr Bubbles," said Billzy, adding "I'm going to do it."

Billzy then took an online crash course in teenage computer hacking. "It was cool," exclaimed Billzy. "I got to learn from the best."

"That kid from Wales who sent Bill Gates' the Viagra he bought with one his thousands of stolen online credit cards was on the course. So were the Chinese kids who hacked into the Pentagon, NASA, and MI5. Fourteen year old Mafiaboy was the most help. He broke into Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, CNN and a bunch of other sites causing millions of dollars in losses. Rad"

Apparently Billzy's first target in his attempt to burst the world's bubble economy was sub-prime mortgage lenders.

"When I was hiding in the toilet stall at LSE, I overheard those professor dudes talking about the credit crunch and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and Northern Rock and Lehman Brothers. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who to hit first," blogged an arrogant Billzy.

"I hacked into their computers, quickly found out they were all close to their bankruptcy tippling point, made a few adjustments to their spread sheets, and before they knew what hit them, they were falling like dominos."

As soon as Billzy burst the banking bubble, he then set his sights on the oil industry. "Oil prices were going up and down like a caravan full of kangaroos in heat," bounced Billzy, borrowing an economic graffiti simile he saw scribbled on LSE toilet stall.

"So I hacked into OPEC, BP, Shell, and the Alaska Pipeline after getting some advice from some Nigerian internet scammers who control oil prices in Africa. I know it sounds crude, but pretty soon the oil traders were going crazy trying to keep up with the wild price fluctuations I was causing," explained Billzy. "It wasn't long before economists were talking recession."

Billzy then blogged that the next target was almost too easy. "Detroit. The automotive industry was so pathetically obvious that I left it for my kid sister to destroy. She sent a few bogus emails to the CEOs of Ford, General Motors and Chrysler from each other, suggesting they all fly down to Washington in their private jets to beg for money right after Congress did the $700 billion banking bailout. That pretty much put the nails in their coffins."

Billzy explained that his last act of global economic sabotage was directed towards Germany.

"I'm quite proud of causing Germany to be the first EU country to go into economic recession. Angela Merkel is so stupid. I sent her an email with a bogus order for 10 million Mercedes from the Chinese and she immediately got it rolling into production. Now you can buy a new Merc on eBay for around £15. That was just to pay them back for the blitz."

With the world now on the verge of global recession with millions of people unemployed, untold numbers of businesses failing, world stock markets collapsing, and government debt well into the trillions, Billzy is happy to have earned several thousand bragging points on his social network website for wreaking such havoc.

"Hey, I was given a lot of grief just for bubbling up Trafalgar Square fountain. Look at the global economic bubble those greedy bozos created. Someone had to burst it," blogged a defiant Billzy, reverting to his Mr Bubbles alias.

The case against Billzy is set for sentencing at the Old Bailey next week. Bookmakers are setting odds for a light sentence however after Billzy has bragged that he can easily undo most of the world financial crisis he has caused by using the Control/Alt/Delete keys on his computer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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