Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Tuesday, 18 November 2008

image for US stocks fall even as brokerage firms issue kill tags and consider death for use of the word "recession"
Aim between the eyes.

US stocks dropped across the board Monday after a US banking giant announced a massive Wall Street cull with a record 250,000 broker 'kill' permits issued amid concerns of a deepening you-know-what.

The firm said that it hoped to eliminate about 53,000 brokers this month and cut costs by 20 percent even after huge losses in the global financial non-crisis.

The company has been in the red for four consecutive quarters and currently has losses of more than $20 billion. It is likely to post fourth-quarter losses of about $187 million, the Bloomberg financial news agency reported.

It was at this point that kill tags were first considered a 'viable' solution.

That the issue of 250K broker kill tags failed to rally the markets came as something of a disappointment, particularly to earmarked brokers.

Key US economic advisors are behind closed doors and rumours suggest they may be considering an outright death penalty for use of words like "recession" and "depression", raising issues of both constitutionality and waste disposal.

The FDA is being consulted on the latter issue and, with numerous high-level officials renting the film Soylent Green, one can expect drastic solutions.

Other US financial institutions, such as JP Morgan Chase, are believed to be planning further staffing culls with the goal of buoying a broad base of financial institutions, much like Leonardo di Caprio clinging to the flotsam of the cinematic Titanic…and perhaps with the same dismal result.

On Monday, the blue-chip Dow Industrial Average dropped 223.73 points, or 2.63 percent, to 8,273.58. The broader Standard & Poor's 500 Index shed 22.54 points, or 2.58 percent, to 850.75. The Nasdaq Composite Index fell 34.8 points, or 2.29 percent, to 1,482.05.

At least 160,000 brokers have so far been culled in the banking industry worldwide.

All indicators suggest that they are not much missed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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