The Republican Party took over the Democratic Party today through a hostile takeover. Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid will all retire from their positions and receive "golden parachute" payoffs of $100 million each, with other Democratic officials getting smaller sums.
Mitt Romney and Henry Paulson orchestrated the deal. Both have deep connections in the Mergers & Acquisitions industry, and were able to leverage the transaction by relying on the $700 billion bailout package. Romney will serve as President with Paulson as his VP.
The buyout will spread benefits widely. Any registered Democrat will be able to take advantage of the deal, with blue-state Democrats getting $1000 cash. Red-state Democrats will get only $100.
Romney was hopeful that the deal will allow Republicans "to maintain control of the government and make sure that we keep the current economic progress on track. Republicans got us into this mess, and we can make it worse!"