Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 24 October 2008

image for Poundland, Charity Shops Shares Up; Everything Else Down
Charity shops are great, aren't they?

As the effects of the worldwide Credit Crunch, economic downturn, banking and financial crises finally took their toll, two areas of business showed positive signs amidst all the gloom this week - as every other organisation lost wads of cash, Poundland and Charity Shops shares went through the roof.

Poundland - you don't need to ask, everything's £1 - analysts reported that sales were up a massive 243%, signifying that UK shoppers have decided to compromise on quality, and don't really care about what they buy, so long as it's cheap.

Torches that don't work, tea towels that fall to bits when they get wet, plastic containers that don't close after you've opened them for the first time, and shit plastic toys seem to be the things that most British shoppers are prepared to put up with, as times get hard.

Charity shops, meanwhile, are set to have their best 12 months yet, as consumers flock to their stores in search of Christmas bargains.

Dolly Assefuk, the manager of one store in Birmingham, commented:

"We've had to open late nights to accommodate all the white collar workers pouring in through the doors. There just aren't enough hours in the day!"

It's been calculated that, due to world over-production of clothes and shoes during the last 50 years, there are now enough garments on the planet to provide every person on Earth with 36 new wardrobes full of clothes and footwear!

Janet Grabbit, of Big Ears, the charity that cares for homeless rabbits, said:

"Cheap clothes is the way forward. It makes sense to re-use rather than churn out constant piles of new and unwanted clothes and shoes which end up at the back of the wardrobe. This will also help preserve of the Earth's vital resources, although millions of redundant factory workers in China and India will starve as a result, which is a bit unfortunate."

Executives at Poundland were unavailable for comment, but released a Press statement, saying:

"No need to ask; everything's a £1!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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