In a leaked memo last week it was revealed that every Starbucks in the UK leaves a tap running constantly in the kitchen.
Mocka Chinolatty, head of Starbucks, on hearing the news, instantly interrupted one press conference on Minimum Wage From Tips to hold another to announce their new environmental policy.
"As many people are aware, we are running taps constantly," Chinolatty said. "This is part of our new environmental policy. Since opening our popular and economic coffee shops in the UK, we have noticed that there is an awful lot of rain here. This has had the effect of overfilling reservoirs, sometimes with disastrous effects. Many people will recall the floods that hit Sheffield and Tewkesbury last year, and Carlisle the year before."
It transpires that Starbucks believe that these floods could have been prevented, and Chinolatty produced some hastily prepared documentation to prove it.
"In the areas that were flooded, there were NO Starbucks," he asserted. "In the area where there were Starbucks, there was no flooding."
Chinolatty indicated areas on a map of the UK where flooding occurred, and where the Starbucks were located. It was uncertain how accurate the information was, considering it was an AA atlas with blue felt tip colouring in some odd flood plains, and red biro indicating that there were Starbucks present in some odd places, including the North Sea.
"In fact, there has been only one instance of a Starbucks flooding, and that was in Carlisle in 2006, when somebody left the plug in the sink where the tap was running. He has since been fired. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a press conference about Starbucks contribution to the economy of South America to attend."