Washington, DC-- Under immense market pressure, oil hit $42 a barrel today, and all Americans began feeling the pinch. "Do you want fries with that?" has been replaced with "Do you your fries cooked, nominal extra charge?"
With the sudden surge in oil prices, the fried foods sector has leapt into first place in the four food groups, edging out nuked and boiled fools, and completely eliminating donuts.
A Memorial Day cookout, one of the traditional hallmarks of the summer season, is just the tip of the iceberg of demand. Analysts expect that while charcoal will do its part to hold down oil prices, an unknown factor is demand from the fans of broiled and grilled foods. "It's a make or break scenario," said a spokesperson from the National Culinary Institute. "We're not sure what to make of it, but we're preparing dessert nonetheless. Something sweet, I assure you."
And with oil prices rising, everyone is feeling the pinch. "I got pinched three times today," said Olive Smith, a short order cook at Hannaby's, an eatery just north of Baghdad. "It's usually once a week around here, but once prices started climbing, my ass has been more and more sore. I mean, groping seems like back in fashion every time those guards from Abu Ghraib have a lunch break."