Seattle, Washington - Fearing that Washington Mutual corporate executives wishing to avoid an FBI investigation by escaping their mortal coils, Seattle police had to surround the Space Needle in Seattle, Washington with nets as precautionary measure as news of the JPMorgan Chase takeover of the once largest bank in the history of the United States of America collapsed today.
"We haven't had any jumpers yet," said Settle Police Captain Bryan Copper as he stands on a suicide watch. "And with the nets all around the Space Needle, we expect to catch any that do."
Captain Copper has standing orders to protect the safety of the public, placing his personal feelings on the matter aside.
"If it wasn't that their falling bodies posing a danger to public safety, I would let them jump," said Captain Copper. "I know its too merciful of a death for the damage that they have caused, but I really can't afford to pay anymore in taxes for their upkeep in jail if they are ever convicted for the fraud they committed on the public."
Unfortunately, a number of the nets Captain Copper and his unit are using have holes in them and would not to be very effective in breaking the fall of any WaMu executive, muchless saving their lives.
"It's the seas air," said Captain Copper. "It has a very corrosive effect on the nets. Just like all those unregulated Wall Street investment bankers on the economy. I just hope the one in Washington, D.C. doesn't have as many holes, or we'll all slip through."