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Saturday, 20 September 2008

image for Men encouraged to include threesomes on their CVs
We're a shoo in!

Bosses are urging male applicants to include details of participation in threesomes with two women, on their curricula vitae on the grounds that there is no greater achievement for a man.

"We like our applicants to graduate with first class honours or at least a 2:1, but we will accept people without higher education provided that they can demonstrate that they filled a muff sandwich," said a recruitment officer for one of the more solvent investment banks.

Hobbies and interests sections on resumes have been under controversy for years but including details of sexual encounters is a very modern concept which will no doubt be questioned by members of the CV minimalist camp. Business man and entrepreneur Sid Saccharine says you shouldn't even list anal conquests or natural blondes, only "Deal breakers like threesomes and other accomplishments involving girl-on-girl action." He remarks, "We're your potential employers for Pete's Sake, not an STD clinic!"

Some people might ask, "But what has sexual performance got to do with aptitude in a non-porn related work place?"

"It has every relevance!" defended stationers WISmiths who added 'Threesome History' to their application forms earlier this year. "If a man can command two women to sex him at once, then he must have impeccable people skills. What could better illustrate that he is a team player who understands the concepts of sharing responsibility and patience?"

However WISmiths had to issue a mass recall once they realised that their application form did not stipulate that applicants should only include MFF (male and two female) threesomes. One clerical assistant, Thomas Shallowbunkle required counselling after having to input details of seven MMF and one MMM threesomes into a database. "The thought of all those man-bottoms grinding together made me want to vomit. I had nightmares for a week."

Feminists are concerned that this new fashion will give men a further advantage in the workplace but Jack Volgaar, manager of a top law firm, points out that the window is open for women too. "If a lady went into enough detail about her MFF threesome on her resume, I'd definitely get her in for an interview."

However women in positions of power have shown a surprising amount of support for the optional threesome section. Zoe Astutaz, editor of a leading culture magazine told reporters, "It's great, I can filter out misogynistic, boastful applicants without even having to meet them." Astutaz is well know for her open attitudes towards sexual experimentation but denounces the idea that you can measure a man by his sexual history.

An FHM ('For Him Magazine') internet poll concluded that "Zoe Ass-to-taz just doesn't get what it means to be a man."

"Your mag is not high profile enough to invent a new word for fazazing," retorted Astutaz.

A well known employment website issued a press release stating that they felt CV threesome counts were "monstrous." They went on to say "Everyone knows threesomes come with different levels of achievement. Drunken heavy petting is nowhere near as impressive as actually yanking it up both women in quick succession. We won't be adding a threesome field until we've perfected a way to accurately classify their significance."

Anyone in the process of applying for a job is reminded to keep their CV to one page of A4.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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