Written by Warren Redlich
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Friday, 22 August 2008

image for Cheesy Poofs Laced With Cocaine!
Orange urine from a Cheesy Poof victim

If you've ever wondered why Cheesy Poofs seem so addictive, the secret is now out. Frido-Day, maker of the famous and now infamous snack, admitted yesterday in court papers that the recipe includes cocaine.

Cheese puffs first appeared in the late 1800s. They were popularized by Fragall Inc. during Prohibition as an accompaniment to moonshine and other alcoholic beverages. After repeal, Fragall suffered a drop in business.

Company papers show that Edward "Fraggie" Fragomeni, son of the company founder, experimented with a variety of additives to see if they would improve sales. It was 1937, after a trip to South America, that Fraggie hit upon the secret to 7 decades of commercial success.

Over those decades the company underwent a number of mergers and acquisitions, leading to its current status under the Frido-Day umbrella. The "Fr" in Frido-Day is derived from the original company.

In 2006, a class action lawsuit was brought against Frido-Day on behalf of millions of American consumers, alleging that the snack had caused "Cheesy Poofs Syndrome". Symptoms of the syndrome include hyperactivity followed by periods of intense satisfaction, then withdrawal symptoms and cravings, along with orange stains on fingers, clothing, teeth and other body parts.

Frido-Day and Dewey Cheatham are reportedly in advanced stages of settlement talks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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