Written by Travis Higgins
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Friday, 18 July 2008

image for Anheuser-Busch merger with InBev sparks riots
Angry protester riot outside Anheuser-Busch's St Louis headquaters

Hundreds of multi-colored 1980's T-top Camaro's, rusty pickup trucks and Mullet wearing trailer park folks have packed the streets of St Louis after Anheuser-Busch Announced its intent to Merge with InBev. Angry mobs have been protesting outside the company's St Louis headquarters and all 12 brewery locations across the country since the announcement of the merger between the American beer giant and the European brewing company.

The riots and have become increasingly violent, So far 8 people have been killed and hundreds have been injured nationwide. "I've never seen anything like this, it's out of control! It's just not a good mix when you mix a bunch angry rednecks and beer. Our department just isn't equipped to handle a situation of this magnitude" Chester Hognuts, St Louis chief of police remarked during a press conference Wednesday.

Police forces have been strained outside all 12 the company's nationwide brewing locations as well. Outside the Cartersville Georgia brewery in the suburbs of Atlanta, angry protesters threw empty beer bottles at the facility breaking windows and damaging shipping vehicles. "Save our beer! Save America's beer!" shouted a toothless bearded man from the bed of a primer gray and rust colored pickup.

Outside the Williamsburg Virginia brewery, problems where compounded when hundreds of members of the National Guard, who were called in to help quell the violence, broke ranks and joined the protesters. "A-B [Anheuser-Busch] just doesn't know what they mean to the U.S armed forces. Budweiser and Bud light have been the most effective PTSD [post traumatic stress disorder] treatment out there! We can't stand by and let them sell out like this! No one wants to come home from war and drink European piss beer!" Said one of the protesting national guardsmen who wished to remain anonymous fearing retaliation from military commanders.

Anheuser-Busch began as a small brewery in the 1860's surviving U.S prohibition from 1920-1933 by selling items from soda pop to ice cream becoming a household name in the United States, with Budweiser and Bud light accounting for 48% of the nation's beer consumed. The Anheuser-Busch InBev merger will create the world's largest brewing company.
Despite the raging violence, August Busch IV, CEO of Anheuser-Busch says the merger will continue as planned pending regulatory and shareholder approval. "We here at the Anheuser-Busch company believe this merger will be great step forward for our company and very profitable for our shareholders in the long run. And besides, what's more American then selling out a 5th generation family runs business to a foreign company to make a quick buck?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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