CUPERTINO, CA - The iPhone 2.0. The new crown-jewel of Apple Inc. promises to be much improved over its wildly popular original incarnation. And while its speed, and sleek design may be causing nerds and tech-dorks to sport, its the new iPhone's porn accessibility which is giving perverts the stiffies.
"The iPhone 2.0 will be by far the porn friendliest phone we've ever seen," said Penthouse CEO Marc Bell. "It is a beautiful medium for portable pornography. It's speed, screen size, and accessibility will allow users to access high quality adult entertainment anytime, anywhere. Of course, we at Penthouse know how frustrating it can be when you're stuck on the subway, in traffic, or in line at the adult movie theater with no access to pornography. But don't worry, with the new iPhone, Penthouse has you covered.
"Rest assured that you desperate perverts will never again have to resort to a page hastily torn from an old issue of Cosmo during a furious session of hand-to-gland combat in the bathroom of the dentist's office."
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is upset over the implications that the new device will become no more than a mere portable portal to pornography.
"The iPhone 2.0 is a highly sophisticated piece of mobile communications technology, and not some glorified pocket porn viewing device," said Jobs. "It's primary function is as a telephone. Therefore, it can also be used to make racy calls to sex hotlines. The new messaging function allows for quick and efficient sending and receiving of dirty text messages. Best of all, though, is the updated camera and Safari software, which will allow users to capture and upload their own steamy pictures and videos within seconds."
"And let's not forget," added Jobs, "that the vibrate and pulsate functions can also double as...well, we'll just let the consumer use their imagination on that one."