Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Economy

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Wary consumers nearly barfed yesterday, when the mainstream media reported that an uptick in the DOW was the result of investor optimism, resulting from reports of increased earnings from WalMart and Costco.

Every consumer knows, without being told, that increased earnings from WalMart and Costco are disastrous confirmations that consumers are being squeezed so badly that they have no choice but to shift all of their shopping to these discount sellers.

Now, a secret, but more honest, memo has accidentally been leaked, revealing the true depths of the woe facing the American and global economy.

According to the research reported...the US economy is stuck in what is known as a "positive feedback loop".

It has been estimated (as reported on The Street.com) that 60% of the rapidly rising cost of oil, is due to commodities speculators trying to get in on the elevated prices.

Unfortunately, the rising costs of oil, results in the cost of fuel for truckers going up. And since everything in our stores is trucked in, this results in the inflation of the costs of all of the merchandise in our stores.

Consumers, forced to cut back on everything to pay for food and gas, have already put all other buying on hold.

Since consumer spending, except for food and gas, has already ground to a halt, massive bankruptcies of businesses and layoffs are starting to occur.

The resulting bankruptcies has convinced investors that the only way they can keep from losing everything, is to put all of their money in the only thing that is going up...commodities such as oil.

This, then, renews the hyperinflationary cycle...resulting in what engineers term "positive feedback amplification," and the spectacle of Americans continuously bidding up the costs of their own goods and services.

The recently leaked memo suggests that this rapid process of non-stop amplification of costs...as panicky investors shift most of their capital into petroleum.... will soon result in the biggest oil geyser ever seen, with the price of oil shooting sky-high, as consumers are left unable to purchase food, or anything else.

Economists say, that the good news...if there is any...is that they don't expect there will be a run on banks....as occurred in 1929...for the simple reason that Americans are so deeply in credit card debt...that they generally don't have any money in the banks.

One economist...who wished to remain anonymous...said that if the US collapses into another Great Depression...it may be at least a century before it recovers. Nobody will be willing to spend their capital, to re-invest in America, if they can get a better return by investing in developing countries, where highly educated workers are willing to do the same job much less.

It has been calculated that Americans may have to come down to 85 cents/hour before anyone will be willing to write them a paycheck.

Have a happy weekend! And spend your rebate check wisely...if at all!

Don't Jump! Call 1-800-SUICIDE

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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