Written by David Hawkins
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: New York, Diet, Florida

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

image for Move To Florida And Be Obnoxious Diet
Best Pizza In Florida SAMIAMIS Lard Lovers.

Health experts in New York and Florida have discovered what makes people who move to Florida just as obnoxious as they were up in New York. One would think they would move down here and retire and have nothing to do but enjoy retirement and the nice weather but they are still just as obnoxious as ever. And they are making a killing.

"It's due to what day ah eatin see?" says health freak entrepreneur Flexibald Riprock from Goonarm Beach, New York.

"We wesearched 500 ex-New Yawkuhs and came up wit tree foods day eat awl duh time, dat keep dem as miserable and sour as evah.

"Deeze tree secret foods are what's duh backbone uh duh "Move To Florida And Be Obnoxious Diet. See? Yeah. See? Yeah."

With his handlebar moustache blowing in the wind as he drives his convertible Rolls Royce through West Palm Beach, Flexibald Riprock tells us of his million dollar idea.

"You'd tink people wooodin wanna drive on udder peepils bumpah but some people miss dare childhood and some folks never wanna really leave New Yawk but day gotta go wit duh flow an move see? So day need some nostalgia. Dats wheh we come it. We give em duh nostalgia. We even made a formula and put it in our Nostalgia Bars.

"We guarantee, dat if ya eat one Nostalgia Bar and you aint drivin on peoples bumpahs and flippin people off, talkin real loud wherever ya go and complainin about everyting and everybody, Wops diss, Pickaninnys dat, Chinks here, Nips dare, Polack diss, Colored people dat...see? If you aint talkin like a New Yawkah and feelin like yoooze in New Yawk den we give you anudder Nostalgia Bar. Freebie. See?"

The interview was cut short because Flex started screaming at an old lady crossin the road and she started dropping her groceries, so I got out of the car to help her and Flex flipped me the finger and drove away yelling, Limey, Cracker, Bastard, Boy Scout, etc.

Before this diet caught on, Flex was just an irate old bald guy from up north. They call them "Snowbirds" down here.

So he was just an everyday Snowtard from New York and now he's driving around Florida making people buy his garbage and making a million bucks a year doing it.

I still don't know what's in the diet but I bet it has something to do with stuff like hot dogs, canollis, bagels and so forth.

He threw a Nostalgia Bar out the window at me and that's the last I saw of him. I gave it to a homeless guy who ate it and mouthed off and got his ass kicked by another homeless guy from Boston.

On the way home, I stopped in at SamIAmi's Pizza Shack and had a "Lard-Lovers Supreme".

Make David Hawkins's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 4?

7 16 4 15
67 readers are online right now!

Go to top