In a dramatic move aimed at harmonising sell-by and use-by dates on products other than food, the mandarins (sadly no use-by date on these particular fruits) of Brussels have imposed rules to cover an extended range of non-food products.
The EEC Commissioner responsible for the initiative, Lackov Branesells said:
"I was struggling with a supply of money to spend, but nothing to spend it on, made even more difficult now that we have to account for our personal expenses. I had a meeting with your prime minister, you know, that Scottish chap, Giles Brown, and he suggested that I could use some of his panel of over-paid con-sultants who have sucked fortunes out of your public purse for years. He said they would be excellent at charging us a fortune.
"He mentioned these con-sultants would be more than interested in making even more money funded by hapless tax-payers, and that if there was a chance of travelling first class to a plush office in the EEC building in Brussels in order to come up with completely useless, yet nevertheless expensive initiatives, well, more the better.
Expected to be included in the new initiative are:
- Tins of alphabetti-spaghetti to have a spell-by date
- Expensive perfumes to have a smell-by date
- Political scandals and stories about Heather Mills McCartney to have a tell-by date
- Trees to have a fell-by date
- Children with ASBO's to have a yell-by date
- Computers to have a dell-by date
- Sport team members to have a gel-by date
- Children locked in basements in Austrian houses to have a cell-by date
- Mothers-in-Law to have a hell-by date
- NHS patients to have a well-by date
- Passengers suffering from travel sickness to have a quell-by date