On behalf of the Anglican Church Banking group, the archangel Gabriel yesterday announced that he was writing off 95.6 million souls due to the US sub-prime soul crisis.
Gabriel, one of the seraphim board of directors of Heaven Industries PLC, said today that due to miss salesmanship by his staff on the ground that he would have no choice but to write down the souls as a loss.
"The priests in our worship and repentance division had just been selling the message of the lord to those who don't wish to honour the commitment," said Gabriel. "We have no option but to write off these souls and hope the market picks up in the next couple of years"
Pope Benedict, the head of operations of the Roman Catholic Church Soul Bank INC. was in the USA today trying to reassure investors of the R.C.C.S.B INC. that everything was going to be alright and the crisis had not hit them as hard as other religions. "We have had problems with liquidity but we are in a stronger position with the emerging markets of the third world that other in the market place"
When we put this to Benedict's chief executive Mary, the holy mother, she let slip that this crisis will yet hit them harder than Benedict was portraying and a write off of souls was on the cards soon. "We are looking into way of encouraging more liquidity in the soul markets, but a write of souls due to this sub prime selling issue is unquestionable" When out reporter asked her how many souls were being written off she replied, "possibly in the region of 75-8o million, but an exact figure I cannot say at this time."
The Extremist Islamic soul Investment group announced plans for increase liquidity in the soul markets by use of the infamous "jihad" technique. When asked about how this would increase over all liquidity there spokesman replied "a good rain of death and destruction in the name of Islam should get the souls passing through faster this in theory will increase turnover in the marketplace and will fuel the drive for martyrdom, and thus increase future investment in Islam"
When we put this to the Arch angel Lucifer Chairman of the infernal soul damnation hedge fund he said "the write off by the other banks and institutions is a wise decision and the drive to jihad is a bold gamble for the Islamists but may pay off but in the short term. I'm doing great at there expense however as we seem to thrive when markets are volatile, business on the whole is bullish"
The DAVEY JONES soul index finish down 37 million points at 6.1 billon.