Off-the-Wall-St, New York - (Narcotic Mess): Forget the shrinks' feeble apologia about investment bankers' fluctuating testosterone and cortisol levels: DEA chiefs say a massive Wall Street cocaine binge has generated the sub-prime fiasco.
And the dumping of vast US dud home loans on European markets was personally ordered by Bush Administration Gordon Gekkos to pay for the Iraq war.
"Not that Off-the-Wall-Street needed any persuading," a senior DEA source said today.
"However corporate laxity in employee drug testing led to a new buoyancy in the dealing rooms and fuelled the coke bingefest that brought in some record-breaking annual bonuses."
The news was met with grim disbelief in London where Prime Monster Gorgon Brown is meeting crisis-ridden EU bank CEOs.
Some of them are threatening to go public with evidence that they have been deliberately stitched up by Bush and Cheney.
And at a classified London location a crack team of SAS armed guards is protecting a top secret bank vault that holds monthly urine samples for the last seven years from every top US government official from the feckless despot George W Bush downwards.
"Stick THAT in your foreign policy, Mr President!" was the only printable comment available today.