In what will be the biggest airline merger in history, Delta Airlines and Northwest Airlines will join together to ultimately tag-team double-screw the air-traveling public. Squeezed by record high fuel prices and an economy readying itself for a landing in the crapper, the two have become betrothed in a stock-swap deal that both companies' Boards have blessed.
A representative for the deal confirms that "In a lazy-ass corporate decision, the combined airline will be called Delta. No one wanted to bother thinking of another name, and Northwest appeared to be slightly more complex from a pronunciation and word-size perspective."
The newly combined company will be valued at approximately $18 billion. Delta's CEO will be the head of the combined company. The Northwest CEO will simply be executed gangland-style so as to avoid a very expensive and time-consuming golden parachute deal.
An inside source confirms, "With this mega-deal, we will forge a company with the irksomeness of not just one or two airlines, but the equivalent of at least a dozen sucky ones."
Under the terms of the transaction, Northwest shareholders will receive 1.25 Delta shares for each Northwest share they own. Passengers will continue to receive the shaft.
Job cuts will necessarily occur as a result of consolidation. No bloated salaries at the top will be affected, however. It is fully expected that the existing pension plans for both companies' employees will ultimately be mismanaged in a scandal above and beyond Enron proportions.
The merger announcement comes a year after the two carriers emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Each carrier has continued to lose money, but now they can lose accountability by combining their inefficiencies and inability to adapt to a changing market.
The deal will require antitrust approval, and since consumers really don't have confidence in it, anti-trust is a given.