Louisville, Kentucky - Criticized by the airline industry for not taking a more assertive approach in dealing with the worsening airline industry bankruptcy crises, the federal government announced today it is now requiring all airlines to have an independent auditor aboard every flight (domestic and international). However, the airline industry says it is too little, too late and asks for a cash infusion from the federal government to help bailout them out again, instead.
"We'd love to help," said a spokesman for the federal government. "But we're a little busy trying to bailout the mortgage banking industry right now."
So requiring an independent auditor to be on board every flight taking into account the expense incurred while they are occur is the government solution.
"It will help the airline industry keep a handle on expenses and thereby avoid having to file for bankruptcy," said the government spokesman.
The feds claim that airline needs to trim the fat from its flights by cutting back on unnecessary and frivolous expenses and start focusing on instituting revenue-generating ideas by charging passengers for services it now provides free of charge.
"Use us for example," said a spokesman for the feds. "We have recuperated some of our expenses at the VA by charging returning injured veterans for certain medical services while in hospital. We see no reason why the airline industry can't do the same but on a much smaller scale, of course. They do after all have a captive audience, so to speak. "
According to government projections, the airline industry is losing a fortune by not charging passengers for the privilege of using the bathroom, oxygen masks and flotation devices.
The airline industry points out, however, that the government plan has failed to take into account, even with the implementation of their suggested draconian revenue generating ideas, the additional expense the airlines will incur in having to carry an auditor on every flight thereby failing to offset the unpredictable rising cost of jet fuel.
No one at the federal government had time to go on record for a follow up comment, as all were too busy trying to keep the "Bear Flu" contained, preventing it from spreading.